Good Twin/ Bad Twin

More Good, Bad and Ugly

2009-09-11T12:20:00.005-05:00

GOOD: My long-lost step brother whom I've never had the pleasure of meeting called.

BAD: He was just released from prison in Oklahoma. I broke the news of my mother's death and he sobbed for a very awkward 5 minutes on the phone.

UGLY: After first inquiring about where his money might be (? - I don't even know where my own money is), he asked me what I was wearing.

Disarmament

2009-09-10T11:15:00.007-05:00

No talk of the dangers of nuclear weapons here. Instead, my own personal definition of the term disarmament:

This term refers to what occurs when 10 year old son decides to practice his clarinet while Mommy has her arm wrapped around Bridie the wonder lab.

Apparently the combination below:

Results in this:

Sons reaction (while I am still on the floor along with two toppled dining room chairs):

"Do you want to hear my G note?"

Freaky Friday

2009-09-04T11:09:00.008-05:00

One of the first calls that I received at the station today was from the local funeral home director (let's call him FD, shall we). FD informs me that he needs to cut a new ad and will be in this afternoon. Okey Dokey says I. Enter my boss. Bossy lets me in on the fact that she is going out of town and doesn't have time to write the ad copy, so she needs me to do that.

ME: What direction should I be going with this?

BOSS: Well, FD really wants to lighten it up, so he is bringing his kids in to record the ad.

ME: The 2 and 4 year olds?

BOSS: I think they are 3 & 5 - so you will want to write the ad copy for the kids.

ME: (blink.....blink)

BOSS: Problem?

ME: You want me to write ad copy for the funeral home that is light/fun for a 3 and 5 year old to record?

BOSS: You can use the corporate website and see if they already have something written that can be re-recorded.

ME: I'm pretty sure I won't find anything in there that is adaptable to this particular situation.

BOSS: FD will be there to help tweak it when he gets here this afternoon.

ME: Is he bringing wine?

I am looking around for hidden cameras right now and actually praying that I find one. Maybe I will use carnival music as the background or I could have the kids sing a rousing rendition of "Ring Around the Rosie". I am super fucking creeped out right now. It's gonna be a long day.

Things you always wanted to know but were afraid to ask

2009-09-02T11:50:00.020-05:00

Woo hoo....a Kreative Blogger award from Frannie at Frannie Fires Back - Divorce, Finances and Fabu..., which came in super handy 'cause I didn't have much to say today. However, in order to collect ,I must give credit where it is due, let my blogging buddies in on 7 things they may not know about me, and pay it forward to 7 others.

1) I was a stockbroker on Black Monday during the stock market crash of 1987. I sought a new line of work after that.

2) I attended 5 colleges (with at least 4 different majors) before I graduated on the 7 year Bachelor's degree plan.

3) I had to go to court for "drunk walking" in college.

4) I suffer from coulrophobia and it's caused some issues for me over the years.

5) I was once detained by the FBI and Coast Guard off the coast of San Fransisco near Fisherman' Wharf.

6) I am "directionly impaired" which has also caused some issues.

7) I've never been in rehab or therapy. (I know - that is a shocker, isn't it)

Paying it forward is a bit more difficult as there are too many of you that I love to read, so I will put everyone's name in a hat and the winners are:

the tired one

growth spurt

Happy Hour...Somewhere

Diamond Pewpin' Carnivore

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous.

I don't care for your tone

The Vegetable Assassin

Fire and Ice

2009-08-31T12:28:00.005-05:00

Well, I made it back from my little "mini" college reunion this weekend. We laughed so hard that it feels like I have TMJ now. Here is a recap of one of the many bizarre conversations that took place (some of the details are a bit hazy...damn you Grey Goose):

Roomie: Hey Buzzy (my nickname from college for reasons will become readily apparent) - what ever happened to Greg W.?

Me: who the hell is Greg W.?

Roomie: the guy you dated that summer we worked at the bar

TD (to Roomie): you probably need to be more specific

Me: who the hell is Greg W.?

TD: remember - we all went to a party near the quarry and Berman passed out too close to the fire and his sleeping bag was smoking and instead of rolling him around to put the fire out we stacked small sticks on him.

Me: I don't think that I was there

Roomie: Buzzy, what the hell...you drove!

Me: What does that have to do with Greg W?

TD: You got pissed at him for something, and we left him out there. He had to walk back to town.

Me: Why did we stack sticks on Berman?

Roomie: You were cold

Me: Was he okay?

TD: which one - Berman or Greg W.?

Me: Who is Berman?

There is also a possibility that I drunk dialed some folks from my contact list. Um...sorry, and if you could give me a call back to let me know what I said that would be awesome.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2009-08-28T11:16:00.004-05:00

I haven't been able to post for awhile as my boss has kept me much too busy at the Lunatic Asylum. Numerous things to mention.....some good, some not:

Good: Meeting up with 2 of my best friends (roomie & TD) from college (ahh - the eighties)

Bad: Old college roommate is already irritated with TD because he keeps calling her to suggest that she clean her house before we get there.

Ugly: I lived with her and am pretty sure that TD is justified in his suggestions. It's likely to be a hell hole.

Good: We held a radio auction yesterday and sold enough to meet budget/revenue goals.

Bad: I have to get all of these people to come in and pay for their items before I leave today at 1:.30 pm.

Ugly: It's 1:00 pm.

Good: The kennel finally called me back and agreed to keep Bridie the wonder dog.

Bad: Bridie hates to be kenneled and will completely freak out until I pick her up on Sunday.

Ugly: My front room looks like it has a carpet of fur because of her incessant shedding. I don't see that problem improving any time soon.

Good: The young one got through the second week of school without any problems.

Bad: He came home yesterday and asked to borrow a lighter.

Ugly: I will be searching his room for illegal fireworks, pipe bombs and crack pipes when I get home today.

Ashes and Asses

2009-08-24T08:24:00.007-05:00

I'd forgotten what a pain in the ass picking up a child from elementary school can be. There is a process to be followed. A one-way street with two lanes runs directly in front of the school's entrance. Cars wait in line in the lane closest to the school. When the child is picked up, you may veer left into the other lane in order to get around the line of cars still waiting for children. It sounds pretty simple, but apparently not.
*To the blue intrepid that insists on getting in line with the waiting cars only to put your car in park and exit the vehicle to enter the building to find your child: Consider this a warning.....there are people that want to put a hit out on you. Stop it.
*To the white escalade behind above mentioned vehicle: Why the fuck do you keep honking? There is no one in the vehicle.
*To the black Dodge Ram that uses the left lane to wait for your their child thereby cutting off any means of escape for those of us who have our children loaded and ready to go......you are a "jackhole"...'nuff said.

On a less homicidal note: The ash spreading went well. Mom's golf buddies were there with us and no police were involved. You will notice that my youngest is wearing two different shirts in the pictures below. He donned an Iowa hawkeye jersey for the actual ash spreading as my Mom was a huge hawkeye fan. He got a little carried away running and spreading at the same time. Not a good idea. And no, that is not beer in those cans, so no need to call DHS.

Be careful where you golf

2009-08-19T12:06:00.007-05:00

Big goings-on tonight. Family and friends will be gathering at the house for cocktails and appetizers before embarking on a super secret mission to the golf course. In order to prepare for this shindig, we will be attempting to transfer the contents of this:

into approximately 9 or 10 of these:

Confused? Allow me to explain. We are pouring my mother's ashes into empty beer cans (the tops have been removed). Next, we will belly up to the bar (kitchen counter) for booze and appetizers. When dark is upon us we will don irish sweatshirts from Mom's large collection and make our way out to the golf course to spread her ashes just off of number #1 green per my mother's instructions. Why #1? Because that is the hole that always kicked her ass and apparently this is her revenge. For those of you that are thinking "my, that doesn't seem like a very dignified or solemn way to spread a loved one's ashes" you haven't been following along, have you? Wish us luck and pray for no wind.

(it has been storming here all morning, with severe thunderstorms rolling in this evening....yeah)

I may need a personality transplant

2009-08-12T10:17:00.016-05:00

A big thank you to CatLadyLarew at How to Become a Cat Lady...... for this Premiere Meme award. Now for the hard part; before I can display the award, I must share with you seven personality traits and then pay it forward to seven others. So here goes.

1) I procrastinate - anyone that knows me deals with this on some level and it drives them batty.

2) My sarcasm has been known to bite people in the ass.

3) I am not an organizational freak, I'm a stasher.

4) I can be pretty funny in person too.

5) I see dead people. Okay, I don't always see them, but I sure as hell know they are there.

6) I have incredibly bad taste in men. I will go into the specifics at a later date.

7) I may or may not exaggerate. It depends on who you talk to.

Now for the fun part - paying it forward..........

Yo Mama's Blog

Reclaiming My Future

I Shoulda Been a Stripper

f8hasit

Yellow Trash Diaries

scallywags times - you probably aren't familiar with this one yet. He's my oldest son and I adore him...and I hope he changes the picture on his blog, cause he looks like he's in drag.

47 And Starting Over

Just a quick note to my sister (BadTwin) - could you be so kind as to explain why there is dog poop in plastic bags in the garage freezer? Any insight would be appreciated. It was not fun finding those bags. At all.

I can afford to move after I sue the makers of Binaca

2009-08-11T08:55:00.005-05:00

So, I go to register Ryan for 5th grade yesterday afternoon thinking that it will only take 15 minutes. When I arrive at the school there is a line (2:00 in the afternoon people - doesn't anyone work?), and about a gabillion kids. I ask Principle Booker what the hold up is and he points to a large group of folk and says "new family". "Are there like 17 kids?" "No, 8 or 9, but they are really loud." And, of course, I end up in line behind them. The woman is holding a toddler who appears to be covered in mud and another small child is hanging on to one of her legs, while yet another child of 5 or 6 sits on the floor next to where she is standing. This child is screaming. Loudly. The woman introduces herself as Cheyenne and tells me they just moved from southern Missouri. Really.

Me: What brings you to Humboldt?

Cheyenne: Bud has a cousin here, and we thought it would be a nice place for the kids. (She nods her head in the direction of the hairiest guy I have ever seen. He has tufts of hair on his shoulders and back and is wearing a muscle shirt that is way too small. About this time, I am almost knocked over by three boys running full on through the line intent upon killing each other.) "Boys, stop running....(turning again to me)...they are excited about going to a public school". It is at this point that I realize that these boys look very much alike.

Me: How far apart are your boys in age?

Cheyenne: Oh, they're triplets. they are going to be in the 5th grade.

Me: (gulp).....oh, so is my son. So, they have been in private school until now?

Cheyenne: No, we just homeschooled them at the compound.

Me: (mind racing....they don't act like "compound kids".....compound kids are usually well-behaved as evidenced from the David Koresh and Jim Jones documentaries I have seen)

"Compound??"

Cheyenne: Yeah - more like a family ranch.

Me: Hmmm....(trying to buy time and work through information logically while trying to ignore the fact that the toddler has managed to unbutton his mother's blouse and appears to be trying to breast feed)

Right about then, I begin to notice a vile stench coming from the direction of the girl on the floor. The odor is horrendous and I want to retch. I begin to frantically look for something in my purse to distract me from the odor....anything. I find Binaca breath spray....hooray. I will just use it like an air freshener. Oh God....not working.....I'll just spray a small amount on my finger and place under my nose like Vicks VaporRub. Ah there, much bett....wait......what's that stinging my nose and lip. Holy Mother....it hurts.....fuck...........

Cheyenne: (to smelly girl on floor) Did you do what I think you did? You know they won't let you get away with that in 1st grade. (turning attention back to me) We should get our boys together sometime.

Me: (garbled words due to Binaca burning my skin off)

Mr. Booker approaches me at that point to let me know that I am in the wrong line, and that I should move over to the returning student's line.

It's going to be a great school year......I can feel it.

Cross BMX off the "things I wanna do when I grow up" list

2009-08-06T11:01:00.006-05:00

My youngest was out and about yesterday enjoying summer like any 10 year old when I received a panicky call from his friend saying that Ryan was sun stroked. I asked the friend if he was vomiting or unconcious. No, he says, just sun stroked. Hmm.....tell him to sit in the shade and ride his bike home when he feels better, and to call me if he doesn't feel better. Thirty minutes later, Ryan comes in and and we have the following conversation:

Ryan: Mom, I wasn't really sun stroked. I was doing tricks on my bike, went up in the air, and when I came down, the bike seat went up my butt.

Me: ..................................(no talk, just open mouth staring)

Ryan: Did you hear me? Up. My. Butt.

Me: I heard you, I just needed to process the information. Do we need to seek medical attention?

Ryan: No, not until I have to poop.

Me: Alrighty then.

So far so good.....I think. Oh, and we are going back to this.

How do some people manage to stay employed?

2009-08-05T11:10:00.005-05:00

So the phone rings today, and it is Jennifer from American Network asking to speak to Michael Carlin, our news director. There are multiple problems with this request. Michael has been gone for a year.....1 year...and Eric took his place. Jennifer calls at least twice a week and has, for the past year, continued to ask to speak to Michael. She also insists on calling at around noon, while we are on the air doing the news. I have kindly explained to Jennifer that Michael is no longer here about 100 times (give or take). I take this call as an opportunity to advise young Jennifer on the art of updating her records.

Me: Jennifer, do you have a computer?

Jennifer: yes.....why?

Me: Well, I need you to do something for me. I need you to update your records to show that Michael is no longer your contact. Take Michael's name off and replace it with Eric.

Jennifer: What is Eric's title?

Me: (are you friggin kidding me Jen?)...sigh....that would be News Director.

Jennifer: my record show Michael Carlin as the news director.

Tick....tick.....tick......Jennifer, I am terrified of you.

Chocolate Fountains are always a bad idea

2009-08-04T11:55:00.016-05:00

My oldest called today and made me laugh my ass off. Apparently, he met some new friends in parking lot of his complex because they thought he was parking in their spot. It wasn't his car but he offered to slash the tires for them and then invited them over for beer and whiskey. Glad he's getting out there and socializing. I didn't get around to sending George and Nikki an anniversary card yet, so "Happy 2nd Anniversary" you cuties. I am posting some pictures from their wedding to celebrate.

(The happy couple plus Amelia)

(1.Bad Twin, Mom, George and Good Twin - me; 2. Karaoke with ex brother in law)

(1.Ryan after getting into the friggin chocolate fountain which I knew was just a bad idea;

2. Ryan & Nikki)

Our New Bundle of Joy

2009-08-03T12:50:00.003-05:00

Our family expanded by one this weekend. Her name is Bridie and she is 75 pounds of fun. Bad Twin talked me into to taking her and we met in Minnesota to take official custody. I was told that she was a very sweet, 4 year old Black Lab. Imagine my surprise when Bad Twin drove in with this:

What's that you say? This isn't a Black Lab? I brought this very thing up to my sister, whereupon she says she thought she told me that it was a yellow lab. Huh....One of us has killed a few brain cells too many. Anyway, Bridie is sweet and I think we love her. On the way back to Iowa, she kept putting her huge paw on my arm as if to say, "thank you for opening your home and heart to me". In actuality, she was probably thinking "bitch, turn this car around right now and take me back to my people or I will cut you". I'm sure she will learn to love us.

We had another killer storm last night, and when I woke up I had the 10 year old and the 75 pounder in my bed. Good times.

One more reason that people drop me from their call lists

2009-07-31T10:38:00.006-05:00

I got a phone call from a friend yesterday (actually, more of an aquaintance as you will see from the following exchange). Cindy: Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile and I'm calling to ask you if you might be interested in attending one of our Suicide Survivor's meetings next Tuesday.

Me: Huh.....well, I'm not a suicide survivor Cindy.

Cindy: Didn't your husband commit suicide?

Me: Yes he did, but the term "Suicide Survivor" suggests to me that I am the one who attempted suicide, failed miserably, and now need to attend meetings.

Cindy: .................................(awkward silence)

Me: maybe I'm being too literal?

(While I do realize that suicide is no laughing matter, the part about my husband is true so I feel that I can comment without being judged too harshly)

My First Award

2009-07-29T13:08:00.007-05:00

My first order of business is to thank CHRISSY over at http://www.ishouldabeenastripper.com/ for this award. It's my first and I thank her for thinking that I deserve it.

Next on my list:

To the asshole that keeps texting in a request for Captain & Tenille's "Muskrat Love":

What the hell is wrong with you? That has got to be the worst song ever recorded by the worst duo ever. It's fact. I'm pretty sure that I know who you are. You are the same moron that kept calling in requesting Andy Gibb. The one that got a verbal lashing from me for your abhorrent musical taste. Listen up - Muskrat Love will not be happening. Ever. I know where you live.

Muskrat, muskrat, candle light, Doing the town and doing it right in the evenin', It's pretty pleasin'. Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam, Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land. And they shimmy. Sam is so skinny. And they whirl and they twirl and they tango, Singin' and jingin'-a-jango........

You get the picture. Never.

Tornadoes in the Mist

2009-07-27T08:41:00.009-05:00

Driving to Madison Wisconsin for cousin Meghan's wedding in my red car ended up being effing dangerous. The picture below was what was north of me:

This was directly west of me (chasing me, actually):

And this is what I was driving into:

Super fun roadtrip!!! Thank god for wine ,vodka, beer and my daughter-in-law's parents who reside in Dubuque and gave me shelter from the storm.

A Death at the Fair

2009-07-22T14:48:00.005-05:00

Tonight is the big night....the night of our county fair grandstand event. The station is hosting our version of "Deal or No Deal" and I was informed upon my return to work that I would be playing the part of Vanna White. WTF people - Vanna is on Wheel of Fortune, not Deal or No Deal. Apparently we do not have the correct equipment to take things off the board when a case is revealed, so that will be my job. Grrrrrrr!!! How did this happen? It was decided when I was gone for my Mother's illness and funeral. And now I'm being punished. I am terrified to go on vacation. Who knows what they will come up with in my absence. In the meantime, Big T (on air psycho bitch) decides to leave early and didn't really understand why she needed to be at the fairgrounds for the event. This is the same crazy bitch that showed up at the party we held in my Mom's honor after her memorial and proceeded to smoke up our garage where people are eating, come in sunglasses that can only be described as 70's acid-trip shades, plop down near my friends and family and loudly profess that she met a girl while gambling and she could have totally taken her to bed, and kept interrupting conversations with inane comments that had nothing to do with the subject at hand. Big T, I am going to be forced to have you assassinated at this point. And by the by, you are not a hippy or a lesbian, so knock it the fuck off. See you at the fair....I will be the one with the machete behind my back looking like Vanna White's homely cousin!

My mother, my friend

2009-07-20T10:06:00.014-05:00

My mother passed away on July 14, 2009 at 3:00 am at home in the loving care of her twins. We loved you dearly Mom. Until we meet again.......

(My mom will be the one with the Bud Light in one hand and a cigarette in the other)

Ebb and Flow

2009-07-06T12:15:00.002-05:00

Our family spent the fourth at awesome Lake Okoboji - unfortunately without Mom as she was busy being transferred to Mayo after another bout of dreaded C diff infection. It is not likely at this point that she will be recovering, but I keep reminding myself that this woman lived through Pancreatic cancer 20 years ago and she is a scrappy woman. My elder son George just called and was offered a job in Ames, Iowa with a bio-agronomic company (I know - I don't know what the hell it means either, but very happy for him all the same).

I guess this would be an example of the ebb and flow of everyday life. One person in my family is starting his adult life while another is nearing the end of hers. I am smiling and crying at the same time.

Baseball is not for wimps

2009-06-29T12:06:00.003-05:00

We spent all day Saturday at the ballpark for my son Ryan's baseball minor league tournament. It was cloudy, windy and rainy, and I still managed to get fried (skin - not brain). Playing out a scene that happens everytime Ryan meets up with friends, he ran over to me between games asking if his friend CJ could spend the night. Before I could answer, he also informs me that CJ's 4 year old little brother would need to come with him. Say what???

ME: Are you referring to BJ (beelzebub junior), the little maniac that spilled blue rasberry snowcone all over my white shorts; the little angel that deliberately threw his baseball into the field during play causing much confusion and stoppage of the game; the sweet boy that was using the water fountain to fill up the front of his pants and then sat so close to me that I am now blue and wet; the child that walked up to a stroller of a sleeping baby and started shaking it violently so the baby would wake up and play with him; the same boy who was in very close proximity to a dog that was whimpering and yelping whereupon boy claims to not know why dog is acting so wierd; the little monster who has both parents here somewhere that have neither scolded him or kept track of him - are you referring to that little brother?

RYAN: I guess.......so can they stay?

ME: ARE YOU COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND?......curious, why does CJ have to bring his little brother?

RYAN: 'cause his parents want to go out and they can't find a babysitter for BJ

ME: shocking

RYAN: Mom, so why can't they (in whiny,pathetic tone)

ME: ...................................................(incredulous silence)

I better get my own "Death Day" because I never got my own "birthday"

2009-06-26T10:24:00.007-05:00

Okay, so yesterday was a big news day with regard to celebrity death. First, we hear about Farah Fawcett, which did sadden me because I watched her documentary a few weeks ago and thought it sad that someone so beautiful was dying like that. Not that ugly people dying isn't sad, but you get my drift here. Then I'm at my youngest son's baseball game in frigging 100+ degrees and I overheard a woman say that Michael Jackson died and at that point I thought that heat exhaustion was kicking in, but noooooo.....the King of Pop....gone.....for good. I was sad about that too. When I say sad, I mean that there was a moment of reflection and remebrance for these folks. There was not tears, hysterics, statements like: "it feels like I lost a member of my family (sob)", or "I can't believe it, I keep hoping it's not true" (in sobby, hysterical voice). What the fuck is wrong with these people? How do they react if an actual member of their family dies or someone they know - or are acquainted with - or even met? I'm actually a little scared of these folks and their over-the-top emotional state.

Speaking of Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett dying on the same day: isn't it just like Michael Jackson to fuck up Farah's death day? All of the sudden, Farah dying is on the back burner, and it's all about Michael. She should have at least had her own day for everyone to be sad just about her. If when I die, some really famous icon has the audacity to die on the same day thereby fucking up my "day" for everyone to be sad about "me", I am going to be really pissed.

During Highschool, my goal was to have hair like Farah Fawcett. The fact that I was a brunette with naturally curly hair did not deter me......unfortunately.....as you could tell from my senoir picture if I was stupid enough to include...which I'm not.

Bad Twin is now Good Twin but only for a day

2009-06-25T12:44:00.003-05:00

My sister rocks! She prepared 4 pages of notes for the "meeting" with the nursing home staff and not only managed to discuss all issues in a professional and non-bossy/caring manner, but actually ended up looking like she was running the joint. I keep telling her that she missed her calling and truly needs to become a nurse. Presently, she is a Speech Pathologist and has been for many years. She has helped countless children and families strugglling with issues like hearing impairments, autism, and Down's, but to see her with the sick and elderly leaves me awestruck. That is why, for the next 24 hours, she will be known as Good Twin. It's the least I can do. I am fashioning a crown out of scrap paper and out dated birthday cake certificates from the radio station for the occasion. Your welcome Kim!

Sisters annoy, interfere, criticize. Indulge in monumental sulks, in huffs, in snide remarks. Borrow. Break. Monopolize the bathroom. Are always underfoot. But if catastrophe should strike, sisters are there. Defending you against all comers. ~Pam Brown

Don't make me go all Jack Nicholson on your ass

2009-06-24T10:08:00.010-05:00

Sinister goings on at the nursing home, people. They contacted me yesterday to inform me that they are changing my mother's status from "skilled care" to "custodial care", which results in us paying the full costs of nursing home care, as insurance would no longer pay any $$$. I met with the director of nursing to discuss the issue. They feel that she is not improving and at times, refusing to get out of bed. I went down to scold my mother for not cooperating and, thusly, putting our financial future in jeopardy when she says "hard to refuse to get out of bed when no one tries to get me out of bed!!!!". I go back to head nurse to report conversation with Mom, and suggest that she look over documentation regarding the incidents in question, and she replies that they need to do a better job of documenting those issues. WTF!!! Your plan is to wipe us out financially and you have no documentation....that sounds like a horrible plan to me. I sweetly suggest that they may be a bit premature in their decision and nicely urge them to work harder at helping my mother improve her condition. Shortly after that discussion, I see head nurse at the nursing station discussing the situation with nursing staff which is accompanied by rollling of eyes, sighs and guilty looking silence when I approach the station. Bad idea on their part....bad, bad idea. Now I'm pissed, my mother is pissed and my sister(Bad Twin) is pissed. It isn't often that the Twins "K" are on the same page, or agree on how to handle a situation, but when we are, we are a force to be reckoned with. Nobody fucks with our mother, or our money....NOBODY! We have a slight reprieve in the time frame in order to work these "issues" out, and have a Care Plan meeting scheduled for tomorrow. There will be blood....or at least harsh words and veiled verbal assaults. Prepare for battle Nurse Ratcheds- you have been warned!!

I am fairly certain that my sister, after reading this post, will suggest that she do the talking in the Care Plan meeting. Fine Kim - but I get to be in charge of sound effects.

Staring Death in the Face

2009-06-19T10:08:00.005-05:00

Years ago, some people began to have dreams about me. Bad Dreams. Dreams that led them to believe that my life was in eminent danger and I would probably die in a car accident. In a RED car. My mother was the first to have this dream, and upon waking, began calling me and everyone I know. Unfortunately for her, I was in college at the time and drunk - and unavailable to take a phone call....cause I was drunk. Over the next few years, I would learn that others had the same dream or variations of that dream, with the one constant being the RED car. At that point, I took it as a serious sign from God (?) not to own a red car, which morphed into my refusal to even ride in a red car which really pissed my husband (RIP) off when he brought cute little Mazda Miata covertible home and I made him take it back. That fear has stayed with me for years, and recently I have found myself driving my son's reddish Intrepid and my mother's reddish Lincoln because my stupid little silver car BLEW UP!! I have been telling myself that these vehicles are not really RED, but a variation of red, and therefore, somewhat safe..ish. Today, I am officially trading reddish Intrepid, reddish Lincoln and red golf cart in for my new vehicle - a Dodge Caliber.
And it's red. And I am a fucking moron (or brave warrior princess who laughs at death).

I bet God is Hilarious

2009-06-15T08:57:00.008-05:00

Last week, my co-worker/arch nemesis Tanya suggests that I join a writing group in the area that she heard about through a friend of a friend. She told me to submit a sample (which I did), so the leader of this group could get a feel for my writing style and content. Turns out, Tanya (our on-air "personality") doesn't have friends under the age of 70, and wasn't aware that this was a "Christian" based writing forum, and now I'm going to have to kick her ass, and by kick her ass I mean verbally assault her 'cause she is way bigger than me and it would probably be a blood bath. So, at this point, it is clear to me that the "prose" that I submitted for this writing group's perusal will not be well received....at all. At this point in the story, anyone reading this should be able to ascertain, with a large degree of accuracy, how this is going to turn out..........and the telephone rings:

ME: KHBT Radio - this is KC, how may I help you?

CALLER: May I speak with Kathleen Courtney please

ME: Oh, this is Kathleen Courtney

CALLER: Oh, I thought you said your name was KC

ME: I did - that is my radio persona

CALLER: Oh.......(pause)....OK(?)...., well I am calling to discuss your submission to our Christian Writing Forum

ME: I see - and with whom am I speaking?

CALLER: This is Pastor Mike and I lead the Forum

ME: fuck.....(thought it - didn't say it).

CALLER: Kathleen, after reading your submission and looking at your blog on line, we have decided that our little group may not be the ideal venue for you

ME: So, you're kicking me out?!

CALLER: Well no, you aren't actually a member - I am just suggesting that your "style of writing" may be more appropriate for a different group.

ME: Could you be more specific Pastor - what part of my submission do you have issues with?

CALLER: Well, for one, your tendency to use the "F bomb"

ME: I could probably clean that up a bit and use the Christian version of the "F bomb"

CALLER: There is no Christian version of the "F bomb"

ME: Oh.......wait, what about "frig"?

CALLER: Um......Our group is really for creative writing about Our Lord Jesus Christ and how his presence in our lives affects us. I didn't really see any reference to God or church in your writings.

ME: Well, that is because God isn't really funny. I might be able to throw a couple of Jesus Christ's in there to replace my "F bombs". Oh, and I could probably put some funny stuff together about parochial school and mean nuns; or wait, maybe something like the Church Lady from SNL - I could totally do something like that..

CALLER: Uh, no, that won't be necessary - but thank you for your submission. We will pray for you Kathleen. Click........

OH, IT'S ON PASTOR MIKE!!!!!

My ears are bleeding

2009-06-12T11:08:00.005-05:00

Why is it that people that are the hardest to understand go into broadcasting? Why, why, why, why? Why? People with speech impediments, enunciation issues, inability to pronounce even the simplest word - flock to broadcasting. Case in point, our new intern Natan. That is not his real name. I am trying to illustrate my point by mispronouncing his name in writing. We are all praying that he plans to work more "behind the scenes" upon graduation, as he is entering his senior year in college and it seems a bit late to switch majors. I cannot BEGIN to describe to you how incredibly painful this morning's broadcast was, not to mention the numerous phone calls to our station immediately following that consisted of the overall "are you recruiting your new broadcasters from the local group home? What in hell is going on with that station of yours?" Blah, blah, blah - you get the picture.....painful. I want Paul Harvey and I want him now! Wait - is Paul Harvey still alive? Either way, it would be totally awesome to have Paul Harvey do our news.

So much for my great idea - Paul Harvey did indeed pass away this year, so I guess that is "the rest of the story". I wonder what Dan Rather is doing these days?

Good Day!

A Gnaw at the Door

2009-06-12T08:46:00.008-05:00

So, we are at the radio station the other day talking about important stuff, when Lisa (my co-worker) asks what that gnawing noise is. The boss (Kathi) goes down to the front door to listen more closely, and announces that whatever it is, it's BIG. We are listening very intently trying to ascertain this beasts whereabouts, when Kathi gets the fabulous idea to open the front door to get a look at the animal that is eating our door - at which point, I climb up on a chair because I don't want my legs or feet dangling when this rabid monster (or bigfoot) comes charging through our foyer. Say hello to bigfoot:

I am not fooled by his sweet face and cute ears - you should see what this ferocious furball did to the door. Our new saying at the station is "it could have been a rat, but it was only a bunny" to be used in situations where you expect the worst and it doesn't happen. I like it!

On a completely different note, George called me last night and told me the greatest Amelia story, so I need to share:

Amelia got her doctor kit out and had the thingy (?) that you use to look into someone's ears, however she was using it to look at her teddybear's hind end. She then announced that the bear has "ants in his butt". After mulling this over for awhile, George and Nikki have come to the conlusion that someone must have used the term "ants in your pants" around Amelia and this is her version of that saying. Awesome!!!

Things that go "bump" in the night

2009-06-10T09:18:00.005-05:00

I have been struggling with what to write in this blog lately. Given the current circumstances with regard to my mother, it seems insensitive to poke fun at her and I haven't felt very "humorous" lately. My good friend from college called me the other day to check in and say hi. If I had to describe TD (aka - Tom Dayton), I would throw a bunch of descriptive words together like: hippy, artist, farmer, teacher, catholic, father and let you paint your own picture. Anyhoo....when told of my mothers recent ills, TD replies that it is like when a horse breaks it's leg - no good chances for recovery, but he will light a candle for her anyway. I asked him to tell me something good and happy. TD replies that he has clean sheets and is very happy about that, and suggests that I will be able to feel that kind of happiness if I place clean sheets on my bed, but not the cheap kind that gets little bumps in the wash, 'cause that would just be unpleasant. Thanks Tom - you always know how to put things into perspective.

Mary update: still in Iowa City, white count coming down, needs two consecutive clean cultures with regard to C diff infection before they can release her back to Humboldt to further "recover" at a nursing home (shudder-for her and the unsuspecting nursing staff)

PINK is the new black

2009-06-02T08:55:00.005-05:00

Well, Mom is still in the hospital. She hasn't eaten in about 7 days, and they are still working on controlling her pain. The good news (???) is that she can still manage to "critique" my fashion sense. I went on a shopping spree this weekend, and wore one of the new skirt sets yesterday -pink and brown skirt with pink top. For those that don't know this, my mother's aversion to the color pink is comparable to a vampire's reaction to garlic. She never fails to point out that I would look much better in blue. She didn't love my new outfit, and went so far as to suggest that I wear a different color top so it wouldn't be so "PINK". Guess what color I am wearing today? I am ordering the lawn ornaments below for Mom's front lawn - kind of a WELCOME HOME gift when she is able to return to the house. Your welcome Mom - I hope you like them!

On a completely unrelated note, the following is an excerpt from a breaking news story out of Humboldt:

HUMBOLDT - Humboldt residents who blow grass into city streets may get by with a warning the first time under a resolution being considered by the City Council.
At Monday's council meeting, City Administrator Lorie Bennett said she and the city attorney have talked about the city ordinance against blowing grass into streets.
"Currently the first offense is up to $750, and the second offense is up to $1,000," Bennett said. In court the attorney may ask for a lesser fine.
"However, the Police Department doesn't have that discretion when they are writing a ticket," Bennett said. She asked the council if they wanted to schedule the fines.

You have got to be friggin kidding me Humboldt. This fine amount is about the same amount levied for OWI.......

Which twin is the bad twin

2009-05-29T10:14:00.004-05:00

Note to Sarah: The bad twin is the one that ate his brother........

Mother Mary update: worse - I had to call the ambulance this morning and have her transported back to the hospital. She will be there at least through the weekend, and then we may have to explore some other options for her care to get her through this rough patch. Thank god for morphine (Mom is the one on morphine - don't want any rumors to start circulating).

Side note: Mom still had the strength last night to inquire as to what was making me eat so much (???? - really)

Definitely Bad Twin

2009-05-28T11:55:00.003-05:00

While searching for worthwhile news stories for the station this morning (yes, I actually do work while at work - sometimes), I came across a story about a baby in Florida that had to have a 2 lb tumor removed from his mouth. It turns out that the "tumor" was actually his twin brother. This is exactly why I prefer to falsely report Sasquatch sitings in the area. We will not be reporting this on the station as no one can seem to get through it without gakking. Anyhoo.....update on Mary: not good - details too hard to put in writing right now without crying. I am hoping for better things tonight.

Ghost Flusters

2009-05-28T09:15:00.007-05:00

Okay, so I am sitting at work wallowing in self-pity and caffeine, when my co-worker Lisa walks by our former sports director's office, jumps back a little, spills her coffee, and announces that she just saw Joe at his desk. Holy crap! Joe died last week, his funeral was last Friday, and we had an on-air memorial for him on Monday. This is so like Joe. He worked for the station for 27 years and rarely missed work unless in intensive care. He had diabetes and wasn't very good at eating properly or regulating his sugar levels. We once caught him snarfing down a large cream-filled donut (his second that morning), and he assured us that it was fine, because he was drinking water with it. WTF!! That doesn't even make sense - unless you're Joe. He was like a high functioning rainman with a license and a microphone. He wrote sticky notes to himself constantly and stuck them all over the walls. Things like "if you don't know something, ask", or "don't touch red button on back computer", but the kicker was - he signed them! "Don't hit keyboard if computer is locked up --- signed Joe". Funny shit, people. I'm glad to know he is still here, but if he starts singing karaoke (which was also a constant in the office), I'm calling a priest. The picture below is my "Ode to Joe", as he also had a female super-hero fetish (don't ask).

Snap, Cackle, Poop

2009-05-27T09:44:00.012-05:00

Do you know those people (martyrs) that insist that caring for an aging parent is a rewarding and mutually pleasant experience - you know, the ones that write columns or blogs and expound ad nauseum on the benefits and joys of caring for parents in the home and offer numerous suggestions on how to involve them in daily routines so that they can maintain their independence and dignity? THEY ARE ALL FREAKING LIARS! I believe they are motivated by mental illness and a perverse need to see the rest of us suffering in the same hell that they are. Strictly my opinion of course - no facts to back that up. So how is it going caring for your Mother you ask? Just friggin peachy! So here is a representation of our first night at home after Mary's release from the hospital......

this is Mary.........

This turtle may seem harmless and somewhat innocuous, but do not be fooled....check out these fun facts and note the uncanny similarities:

snapping turtle: ....Snapping turtles prefer quiet, muddy water (beer). They spend most of their time submerged (in smoke), surfacing periodically to breathe (to go to the refrigerator for more beer). Snapping turtles are bold and aggressive fighters and their massive, sharp-edged jaws cause them to be the terror of most of the aquatic and semi-aquatic creatures. The snapping turtle's appearance includes a carapace in dull olive or dark brown, with little or no markings, and a dull yellow plastron (slightly jaundiced from beer and smoke). Sinister in appearance and equally vicious as its looks imply, the snapping turtles defend themselves in a manner similar to snakes by "striking" at the object of anger. Backed up by a pair of sharp-edged, cutting mandibles and jaw muscles of tremendous power, the strike of these dangerous brutes may be followed by a serious injury. They can be vicious and though there aren't a lot of good reasons to do this, the safest way to handle a large snapper is to pick it up by the tail and hold it far away from one's body.

This is me........

The princess and the pelvis

2009-05-26T09:37:00.004-05:00

It's been awhile since I have written to myself. I got to play with Amelia last week while George and Nikki were in Portland. It was exhausting and amazing. There is a reason that the reproductive years happen earlier in life - but she was so unbelievably cute and funny. I believe her to be a baby genious. Unfortunately, on her last day with me, Mom broke her pelvis. She has been hospitalized since Wednesday and is scheduled to come home today. I am honestly torn at this point. I moved in with Mom hoping that I could get her motivated to get a little healthier and to help her enjoy the time she has left. Instead, she is broken again and I am faced with the role of care-taker. I can only hope that both of us rally to the occasion.

Zombies are bad - ALWAYS!

2009-05-15T08:21:00.007-05:00

My co-worker felt the need to share a most disturbing story with me yesterday while I was eating lunch. It appears that scientists have been working on a way to control those viscous fire ants in the southern US, and the solution they have come up with is to import parasitic flies from South America to turn them into "Zombie" fire ants. It is my expert opinion that turning anything into a zombie can not be a good idea. Have the movies taught you nothing people? (Case in point - "Night of the Living Dead"). Zombies can adapt to most any situation and you can't kill them - CAUSE THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD!!! I also think it is bad idea to import a parasitic fly into the US to zombify ants. The reason the friggin ants are here in the first place is because we imported them from South America (by accident??) I have a counter proposal to the fire ant problem....instead of zombification, let's bring in the trusty anteater. Isn't that what they are here for anyhow?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/mcclatchy/20090512/sc_mcclatchy/3231765

Conversation with my boss:

2009-05-12T21:46:00.001-05:00

Boss: So, it looks like I need someone willing to learn to do the news on air, in case both on air people are gone at the same time
Me: I'll learn it – but we should make it funnier
Boss: it's the news - I don't think we are going for hilarity
Me: But I think it would refreshing, in fact, I think we should add Bigfoot report each morning.
Boss: What's a big foot report?
Me: You know "bigfoot - sasquatch", whatever you choose to call him. We could report on sitings in the area
Boss: Oh my God - are you serious? There haven’t been bigfoot sightings in Humboldt
Me: Of course there have - but everyone is trying to keep it quiet so the residents don't become frightened. Anyway, just let me know when training starts
Boss: (mumbling as she walks back to her office) This feels like a bad idea….hey KC (my radio name)…you weren’t serious about the bigfoot thing, right???
about 5 minutes later....
Boss: So, it wouldn't bother you to be on the air?
....are you kidding me? I want to add a Big Foot report and she is still considering putting me on the air? Is she drunk? I love this job!

Oh No!

2009-05-12T21:45:00.000-05:00

I went to open email today, and everything was gone. A new outlook application started to run and everything WAS GONE!!! Just my computer – no one else’s. I go to my boss freaking out and we have to call the IT guy in Cedar Rapids and I ‘m like “dude – FIX THIS NOW – how am I supposed to launch my new career as a professional blogger with this crap happening and he says “oh, I don’t know – use your home computer?? and I’m like “why the hell would I do that ”……I bet it was the PUBIC TOPIARY thing….

You better be nice to me - it appears that I am worth a tremendous amount of money

2009-05-12T21:41:00.002-05:00

Att My dear friend I am Mba Bean from International monitoring fund (IMF) Benin Republic, We are very sorry for what happened to you since last year till now, I want you to read this mail well, because the reason this money is coming to you is that the government of this country has found out that you was scammed since last year and they have arrested those Fake Companies that scammed some people including you.So since Last two weeks after we did not hear from you or receive your mail we have made arrangement with ZENEITH BANK on how to transfer your money into your bank account at your country and note that your money which bank is going to transfer is usd$1.6millon
what you have to do right now is to contact the bank immediately with your banking information so that the manager will transfer your money into your bank account. Be informed that we have paid the bank for the open of International Account fee for you. Now listen, the money that remains which you must pay to the ZENEITH BANK is wire transfer fee which is $157 only to transfer your money directly into your bank account at your country ok.Try to contact bank through this information.DR. DAVID HARRIS/ZENEITH BANK MANAGEREMAIL: (zeneithbank02@ubbi.com)TEL PHONE +22993249890Please make sure you follow bank manager's instruction and forward all your bank account detail where to transfer your money and your current telephone number copy of your picture etc. This is information the Bank Manager need from you. Bear it in mind that the only money that remain which you must pay to the ZENEITH BANK is wire transfer fee the authorize document for safely transfer your fund has been forwarded to the manager zeneith bank therefore feel free contact the bank for immedaitely transfer your fund okay also let this office know once your fund get into your acount today or tomorrow .

May God be with you and your family?
From Federal Minister of Finance Benin
contract Payment Office
Mba Bean

REPLY POSSIBILITIES:

Is Mba a name or designation?
What the hell did happen to me last year aside from gaining 20 pounds?
Oh my God - you mean that money isn't coming?
I am having trouble understanding your rules of capitalization
That extra E in the banks name makes it seem much more official.
What does the following mean - "and note that your money which bank is going to transfer is" I dont live in Ok - I live in US.
I am not very photogenic so I will be sending a picture of Angelina Jolie instead.
"wire transfer fee the authorize document for safely transfer your fund" - Please translate for me
I feel that you are questioning God's presence in my life with the following, "May God be with you and your family?" - please don't judge me

Sincerely,
Your Shister in Christ
BA Courtney

Topiary update to update

2009-05-12T21:40:00.002-05:00

I attempted a internet search on lightning bolt topiaries to give us an idea of how our munched tree would look, and the search keeps coming up with “Pubic Topiary (not public – PUBIC!). I am a little sick to my stomach right now………

Topiary update

2009-05-12T21:39:00.001-05:00

Kathi seems to have gotten over the topiary debacle and after looking at what the “tree guy” did to the huge evergreen (imagine the biggest dinosaur ever taking a huge bite out of it) is actually considering the idea. When I brought the idea of making it look like a huge lightening bolt (97.7 – “the bolt” –get it?) she jumped on board totally, so I guess I will be keeping my job. Thanks for your support through this -

Graduation party

2009-05-12T21:37:00.001-05:00

Great weekend in South Dakota at Tommy’s graduation….sorry I missed the pyrotechnics show put on by cousin Paul. By the by, fire and alcohol are never a good combination – ever! The picture below aptly describes my face last night, when after 4 hours in a car with my mother (following a weekend in a smoke-filled hotel room with same mother), and finishing 2 loads of laundry, mom starts taking all of the white socks out of basket as I was folding. I sweetly asked what she might be doing and she replied that she was going to wash them again because they are not clean. WTF??? Apparently, sparkling white socks are the sign of good mothering, and I am falling short in this area, and, by the way, those 2 loads should have been three as there is no need to stuff washing machine to full capacity! I suck.

Tree People revisited

2009-05-12T21:33:00.001-05:00

It actually gets worse. I have a quick link for news sources (usually used for weather alerts). When I am goofing off (ie – writing silly emails to family and friends), I keep my mail link up in case I have to switch gears real quick and look like I am doing something productive. It appears that after I sent you guys this email, that I somehow clicked on my AP news quick link and this email may or may not have gone to the “AP”, KCCI and possibly WHO (channels 8 & 5). Holy crap.

Tree People

2009-05-12T21:32:00.001-05:00

Okay – so, yesterday the “tree people” come into the station to make arrangements to trim some unruly trees and cut down a belligerent mulberry that is trying to grow into a gargantuan evergreen. This morning they stop in to let me know that they will be chopping, sawing etc. They inquire if there is anything else that we need them to do, at which point, I say that we have decided that we want two ginormous evergreens turned into topiaries – one large rabbit and one giant tortoise to be exact. They look at me funny, chuckle, and go about their business. Kathi (boss and ex-roomie) arrives back at the office whereupon, I inform her that they will be turning evergreens into topiaries and hope that it works for her. Kathi panics and runs out screaming for them to STOP!!! (you probably heard it in Cedar Falls). Apparently, Kathi struggles to understand my quirky sarcastic wit. Anyway, (long story short), screaming freaks out “tree guy” who almost amputates his own arm, and he has to climb down (clearly shaken at this point) and explain to Kathi that he was not making topiaries and only cutting dead limbs. I think I am in trouble with my boss now……and yet can’t stop giggling, which is really pissing her off. Damn this brain of mine!

(Sarah – I will explain later, if needed)

Electric Train Joke

2009-05-12T21:31:00.002-05:00

(Sarah – I will send you an additional email with full explanation of joke and why it is funny in another email)

Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Mad Cow addition

2009-05-12T21:27:00.002-05:00

My niece Sarah sent me an e-mail after the cow joke was sent out asking for an explanation. I will send separate emails to Sarah with explanations attached in the future.

Mad cow

2009-05-12T21:26:00.001-05:00

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

The Move

2009-05-12T21:23:00.002-05:00

Attention Family:

As you may have heard, I am moving to Mom’s this Thursday. She seems to be very excited about it and that is great. I will probably have to go on Xanax – but don’t worry ‘cause I am sure that I will be hilarious on Xanax. Please update your address books so that any gifts that you send to me arrive in a timely manner. I received my modem for the computer yesterday, and Mom thinks it is a fabulous idea for me to teach her how to go to the family website, look at downloaded pictures, etc. Therefore, I will probably need an additional medication that goes well with Xanax but does not render me comatose. Any information or help in this area would be appreciated. Look forward to seeing all of you soon…..hope I remember it.

Still Here!!!

2009-05-12T21:23:00.001-05:00

Just a note to let everyone know I lasted through the night (albeit, a weird night). One more to go, as this particular nugget of astrological goodness goes through 4/2/09.

Horoscope nightmare

2009-05-12T21:18:00.001-05:00

This is part of my Astrology forecast today:

Step away from the machinery -- and that includes the vehicle (especially if it's red), the kitchen utensils and even the knitting needles. No, this is not a test.

Yikes!!! –