Friday, September 11, 2009

More Good, Bad and Ugly

GOOD: My long-lost step brother whom I've never had the pleasure of meeting called.

BAD: He was just released from prison in Oklahoma. I broke the news of my mother's death and he sobbed for a very awkward 5 minutes on the phone.

UGLY: After first inquiring about where his money might be (? - I don't even know where my own money is), he asked me what I was wearing.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


No talk of the dangers of nuclear weapons here. Instead, my own personal definition of the term disarmament:

This term refers to what occurs when 10 year old son decides to practice his clarinet while Mommy has her arm wrapped around Bridie the wonder lab.

Apparently the combination below:

Results in this:

Sons reaction (while I am still on the floor along with two toppled dining room chairs):
"Do you want to hear my G note?"

Friday, September 4, 2009

Freaky Friday

One of the first calls that I received at the station today was from the local funeral home director (let's call him FD, shall we). FD informs me that he needs to cut a new ad and will be in this afternoon. Okey Dokey says I. Enter my boss. Bossy lets me in on the fact that she is going out of town and doesn't have time to write the ad copy, so she needs me to do that.

ME: What direction should I be going with this?
BOSS: Well, FD really wants to lighten it up, so he is bringing his kids in to record the ad.
ME: The 2 and 4 year olds?
BOSS: I think they are 3 & 5 - so you will want to write the ad copy for the kids.
ME: (blink.....blink)

BOSS: Problem?
ME: You want me to write ad copy for the funeral home that is light/fun for a 3 and 5 year old to record?

BOSS: You can use the corporate website and see if they already have something written that can be re-recorded.
ME: I'm pretty sure I won't find anything in there that is adaptable to this particular situation.

BOSS: FD will be there to help tweak it when he gets here this afternoon.
ME: Is he bringing wine?

I am looking around for hidden cameras right now and actually praying that I find one. Maybe I will use carnival music as the background or I could have the kids sing a rousing rendition of "Ring Around the Rosie". I am super fucking creeped out right now. It's gonna be a long day.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Things you always wanted to know but were afraid to ask

Woo hoo....a Kreative Blogger award from Frannie at Frannie Fires Back - Divorce, Finances and Fabu..., which came in super handy 'cause I didn't have much to say today. However, in order to collect ,I must give credit where it is due, let my blogging buddies in on 7 things they may not know about me, and pay it forward to 7 others.

1) I was a stockbroker on Black Monday during the stock market crash of 1987. I sought a new line of work after that.

2) I attended 5 colleges (with at least 4 different majors) before I graduated on the 7 year Bachelor's degree plan.

3) I had to go to court for "drunk walking" in college.

4) I suffer from coulrophobia and it's caused some issues for me over the years.

5) I was once detained by the FBI and Coast Guard off the coast of San Fransisco near Fisherman' Wharf.

6) I am "directionly impaired" which has also caused some issues.

7) I've never been in rehab or therapy. (I know - that is a shocker, isn't it)

Paying it forward is a bit more difficult as there are too many of you that I love to read, so I will put everyone's name in a hat and the winners are:

the tired one

growth spurt

Happy Hour...Somewhere

Diamond Pewpin' Carnivore

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous.

I don't care for your tone

The Vegetable Assassin