Friday, May 29, 2009

Which twin is the bad twin

Note to Sarah: The bad twin is the one that ate his brother........

Mother Mary update: worse - I had to call the ambulance this morning and have her transported back to the hospital. She will be there at least through the weekend, and then we may have to explore some other options for her care to get her through this rough patch. Thank god for morphine (Mom is the one on morphine - don't want any rumors to start circulating).

Side note: Mom still had the strength last night to inquire as to what was making me eat so much (???? - really)

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Definitely Bad Twin

While searching for worthwhile news stories for the station this morning (yes, I actually do work while at work - sometimes), I came across a story about a baby in Florida that had to have a 2 lb tumor removed from his mouth. It turns out that the "tumor" was actually his twin brother. This is exactly why I prefer to falsely report Sasquatch sitings in the area. We will not be reporting this on the station as no one can seem to get through it without gakking. Anyhoo.....update on Mary: not good - details too hard to put in writing right now without crying. I am hoping for better things tonight.

Ghost Flusters

Okay, so I am sitting at work wallowing in self-pity and caffeine, when my co-worker Lisa walks by our former sports director's office, jumps back a little, spills her coffee, and announces that she just saw Joe at his desk. Holy crap! Joe died last week, his funeral was last Friday, and we had an on-air memorial for him on Monday. This is so like Joe. He worked for the station for 27 years and rarely missed work unless in intensive care. He had diabetes and wasn't very good at eating properly or regulating his sugar levels. We once caught him snarfing down a large cream-filled donut (his second that morning), and he assured us that it was fine, because he was drinking water with it. WTF!! That doesn't even make sense - unless you're Joe. He was like a high functioning rainman with a license and a microphone. He wrote sticky notes to himself constantly and stuck them all over the walls. Things like "if you don't know something, ask", or "don't touch red button on back computer", but the kicker was - he signed them! "Don't hit keyboard if computer is locked up --- signed Joe". Funny shit, people. I'm glad to know he is still here, but if he starts singing karaoke (which was also a constant in the office), I'm calling a priest. The picture below is my "Ode to Joe", as he also had a female super-hero fetish (don't ask).

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Snap, Cackle, Poop

Do you know those people (martyrs) that insist that caring for an aging parent is a rewarding and mutually pleasant experience - you know, the ones that write columns or blogs and expound ad nauseum on the benefits and joys of caring for parents in the home and offer numerous suggestions on how to involve them in daily routines so that they can maintain their independence and dignity? THEY ARE ALL FREAKING LIARS! I believe they are motivated by mental illness and a perverse need to see the rest of us suffering in the same hell that they are. Strictly my opinion of course - no facts to back that up. So how is it going caring for your Mother you ask? Just friggin peachy! So here is a representation of our first night at home after Mary's release from the hospital......

this is Mary.........

This turtle may seem harmless and somewhat innocuous, but do not be fooled....check out these fun facts and note the uncanny similarities:

snapping turtle: ....Snapping turtles prefer quiet, muddy water (beer). They spend most of their time submerged (in smoke), surfacing periodically to breathe (to go to the refrigerator for more beer). Snapping turtles are bold and aggressive fighters and their massive, sharp-edged jaws cause them to be the terror of most of the aquatic and semi-aquatic creatures. The snapping turtle's appearance includes a carapace in dull olive or dark brown, with little or no markings, and a dull yellow plastron (slightly jaundiced from beer and smoke). Sinister in appearance and equally vicious as its looks imply, the snapping turtles defend themselves in a manner similar to snakes by "striking" at the object of anger. Backed up by a pair of sharp-edged, cutting mandibles and jaw muscles of tremendous power, the strike of these dangerous brutes may be followed by a serious injury. They can be vicious and though there aren't a lot of good reasons to do this, the safest way to handle a large snapper is to pick it up by the tail and hold it far away from one's body.

This is me........

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The princess and the pelvis

It's been awhile since I have written to myself. I got to play with Amelia last week while George and Nikki were in Portland. It was exhausting and amazing. There is a reason that the reproductive years happen earlier in life - but she was so unbelievably cute and funny. I believe her to be a baby genious. Unfortunately, on her last day with me, Mom broke her pelvis. She has been hospitalized since Wednesday and is scheduled to come home today. I am honestly torn at this point. I moved in with Mom hoping that I could get her motivated to get a little healthier and to help her enjoy the time she has left. Instead, she is broken again and I am faced with the role of care-taker. I can only hope that both of us rally to the occasion.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Zombies are bad - ALWAYS!

My co-worker felt the need to share a most disturbing story with me yesterday while I was eating lunch. It appears that scientists have been working on a way to control those viscous fire ants in the southern US, and the solution they have come up with is to import parasitic flies from South America to turn them into "Zombie" fire ants. It is my expert opinion that turning anything into a zombie can not be a good idea. Have the movies taught you nothing people? (Case in point - "Night of the Living Dead"). Zombies can adapt to most any situation and you can't kill them - CAUSE THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD!!! I also think it is bad idea to import a parasitic fly into the US to zombify ants. The reason the friggin ants are here in the first place is because we imported them from South America (by accident??) I have a counter proposal to the fire ant problem....instead of zombification, let's bring in the trusty anteater. Isn't that what they are here for anyhow?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Conversation with my boss:

Boss: So, it looks like I need someone willing to learn to do the news on air, in case both on air people are gone at the same time
Me: I'll learn it – but we should make it funnier
Boss: it's the news - I don't think we are going for hilarity
Me: But I think it would refreshing, in fact, I think we should add Bigfoot report each morning.
Boss: What's a big foot report?
Me: You know "bigfoot - sasquatch", whatever you choose to call him. We could report on sitings in the area
Boss: Oh my God - are you serious? There haven’t been bigfoot sightings in Humboldt
Me: Of course there have - but everyone is trying to keep it quiet so the residents don't become frightened. Anyway, just let me know when training starts
Boss: (mumbling as she walks back to her office) This feels like a bad idea….hey KC (my radio name)…you weren’t serious about the bigfoot thing, right???
about 5 minutes later....
Boss: So, it wouldn't bother you to be on the air?
....are you kidding me? I want to add a Big Foot report and she is still considering putting me on the air? Is she drunk? I love this job!

Oh No!

I went to open email today, and everything was gone. A new outlook application started to run and everything WAS GONE!!! Just my computer – no one else’s. I go to my boss freaking out and we have to call the IT guy in Cedar Rapids and I ‘m like “dude – FIX THIS NOW – how am I supposed to launch my new career as a professional blogger with this crap happening and he says “oh, I don’t know – use your home computer?? and I’m like “why the hell would I do that ”……I bet it was the PUBIC TOPIARY thing….

You better be nice to me - it appears that I am worth a tremendous amount of money

Att My dear friend I am Mba Bean from International monitoring fund (IMF) Benin Republic, We are very sorry for what happened to you since last year till now, I want you to read this mail well, because the reason this money is coming to you is that the government of this country has found out that you was scammed since last year and they have arrested those Fake Companies that scammed some people including you.So since Last two weeks after we did not hear from you or receive your mail we have made arrangement with ZENEITH BANK on how to transfer your money into your bank account at your country and note that your money which bank is going to transfer is usd$1.6millon
what you have to do right now is to contact the bank immediately with your banking information so that the manager will transfer your money into your bank account. Be informed that we have paid the bank for the open of International Account fee for you. Now listen, the money that remains which you must pay to the ZENEITH BANK is wire transfer fee which is $157 only to transfer your money directly into your bank account at your country ok.Try to contact bank through this information.DR. DAVID HARRIS/ZENEITH BANK MANAGEREMAIL: ( PHONE +22993249890Please make sure you follow bank manager's instruction and forward all your bank account detail where to transfer your money and your current telephone number copy of your picture etc. This is information the Bank Manager need from you. Bear it in mind that the only money that remain which you must pay to the ZENEITH BANK is wire transfer fee the authorize document for safely transfer your fund has been forwarded to the manager zeneith bank therefore feel free contact the bank for immedaitely transfer your fund okay also let this office know once your fund get into your acount today or tomorrow .

May God be with you and your family?
From Federal Minister of Finance Benin
contract Payment Office
Mba Bean


Is Mba a name or designation?
What the hell did happen to me last year aside from gaining 20 pounds?
Oh my God - you mean that money isn't coming?
I am having trouble understanding your rules of capitalization
That extra E in the banks name makes it seem much more official.
What does the following mean - "and note that your money which bank is going to transfer is" I dont live in Ok - I live in US.
I am not very photogenic so I will be sending a picture of Angelina Jolie instead.
"wire transfer fee the authorize document for safely transfer your fund" - Please translate for me
I feel that you are questioning God's presence in my life with the following, "May God be with you and your family?" - please don't judge me

Your Shister in Christ
BA Courtney

Topiary update to update

I attempted a internet search on lightning bolt topiaries to give us an idea of how our munched tree would look, and the search keeps coming up with “Pubic Topiary (not public – PUBIC!). I am a little sick to my stomach right now………

Topiary update

Kathi seems to have gotten over the topiary debacle and after looking at what the “tree guy” did to the huge evergreen (imagine the biggest dinosaur ever taking a huge bite out of it) is actually considering the idea. When I brought the idea of making it look like a huge lightening bolt (97.7 – “the bolt” –get it?) she jumped on board totally, so I guess I will be keeping my job. Thanks for your support through this -

Graduation party

Great weekend in South Dakota at Tommy’s graduation….sorry I missed the pyrotechnics show put on by cousin Paul. By the by, fire and alcohol are never a good combination – ever! The picture below aptly describes my face last night, when after 4 hours in a car with my mother (following a weekend in a smoke-filled hotel room with same mother), and finishing 2 loads of laundry, mom starts taking all of the white socks out of basket as I was folding. I sweetly asked what she might be doing and she replied that she was going to wash them again because they are not clean. WTF??? Apparently, sparkling white socks are the sign of good mothering, and I am falling short in this area, and, by the way, those 2 loads should have been three as there is no need to stuff washing machine to full capacity! I suck.

Tree People revisited

It actually gets worse. I have a quick link for news sources (usually used for weather alerts). When I am goofing off (ie – writing silly emails to family and friends), I keep my mail link up in case I have to switch gears real quick and look like I am doing something productive. It appears that after I sent you guys this email, that I somehow clicked on my AP news quick link and this email may or may not have gone to the “AP”, KCCI and possibly WHO (channels 8 & 5). Holy crap.

Tree People

Okay – so, yesterday the “tree people” come into the station to make arrangements to trim some unruly trees and cut down a belligerent mulberry that is trying to grow into a gargantuan evergreen. This morning they stop in to let me know that they will be chopping, sawing etc. They inquire if there is anything else that we need them to do, at which point, I say that we have decided that we want two ginormous evergreens turned into topiaries – one large rabbit and one giant tortoise to be exact. They look at me funny, chuckle, and go about their business. Kathi (boss and ex-roomie) arrives back at the office whereupon, I inform her that they will be turning evergreens into topiaries and hope that it works for her. Kathi panics and runs out screaming for them to STOP!!! (you probably heard it in Cedar Falls). Apparently, Kathi struggles to understand my quirky sarcastic wit. Anyway, (long story short), screaming freaks out “tree guy” who almost amputates his own arm, and he has to climb down (clearly shaken at this point) and explain to Kathi that he was not making topiaries and only cutting dead limbs. I think I am in trouble with my boss now……and yet can’t stop giggling, which is really pissing her off. Damn this brain of mine!

(Sarah – I will explain later, if needed)

Electric Train Joke

(Sarah – I will send you an additional email with full explanation of joke and why it is funny in another email)

Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Mad Cow addition

My niece Sarah sent me an e-mail after the cow joke was sent out asking for an explanation. I will send separate emails to Sarah with explanations attached in the future.

Mad cow

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

The Move

Attention Family:

As you may have heard, I am moving to Mom’s this Thursday. She seems to be very excited about it and that is great. I will probably have to go on Xanax – but don’t worry ‘cause I am sure that I will be hilarious on Xanax. Please update your address books so that any gifts that you send to me arrive in a timely manner. I received my modem for the computer yesterday, and Mom thinks it is a fabulous idea for me to teach her how to go to the family website, look at downloaded pictures, etc. Therefore, I will probably need an additional medication that goes well with Xanax but does not render me comatose. Any information or help in this area would be appreciated. Look forward to seeing all of you soon…..hope I remember it.

Still Here!!!

Just a note to let everyone know I lasted through the night (albeit, a weird night). One more to go, as this particular nugget of astrological goodness goes through 4/2/09.

Horoscope nightmare

This is part of my Astrology forecast today:

Step away from the machinery -- and that includes the vehicle (especially if it's red), the kitchen utensils and even the knitting needles. No, this is not a test.

Yikes!!! –