Friday, September 11, 2009

More Good, Bad and Ugly

GOOD: My long-lost step brother whom I've never had the pleasure of meeting called.

BAD: He was just released from prison in Oklahoma. I broke the news of my mother's death and he sobbed for a very awkward 5 minutes on the phone.

UGLY: After first inquiring about where his money might be (? - I don't even know where my own money is), he asked me what I was wearing.

Thursday, September 10, 2009


No talk of the dangers of nuclear weapons here. Instead, my own personal definition of the term disarmament:

This term refers to what occurs when 10 year old son decides to practice his clarinet while Mommy has her arm wrapped around Bridie the wonder lab.

Apparently the combination below:

Results in this:

Sons reaction (while I am still on the floor along with two toppled dining room chairs):
"Do you want to hear my G note?"

Friday, September 4, 2009

Freaky Friday

One of the first calls that I received at the station today was from the local funeral home director (let's call him FD, shall we). FD informs me that he needs to cut a new ad and will be in this afternoon. Okey Dokey says I. Enter my boss. Bossy lets me in on the fact that she is going out of town and doesn't have time to write the ad copy, so she needs me to do that.

ME: What direction should I be going with this?
BOSS: Well, FD really wants to lighten it up, so he is bringing his kids in to record the ad.
ME: The 2 and 4 year olds?
BOSS: I think they are 3 & 5 - so you will want to write the ad copy for the kids.
ME: (blink.....blink)

BOSS: Problem?
ME: You want me to write ad copy for the funeral home that is light/fun for a 3 and 5 year old to record?

BOSS: You can use the corporate website and see if they already have something written that can be re-recorded.
ME: I'm pretty sure I won't find anything in there that is adaptable to this particular situation.

BOSS: FD will be there to help tweak it when he gets here this afternoon.
ME: Is he bringing wine?

I am looking around for hidden cameras right now and actually praying that I find one. Maybe I will use carnival music as the background or I could have the kids sing a rousing rendition of "Ring Around the Rosie". I am super fucking creeped out right now. It's gonna be a long day.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Things you always wanted to know but were afraid to ask

Woo hoo....a Kreative Blogger award from Frannie at Frannie Fires Back - Divorce, Finances and Fabu..., which came in super handy 'cause I didn't have much to say today. However, in order to collect ,I must give credit where it is due, let my blogging buddies in on 7 things they may not know about me, and pay it forward to 7 others.

1) I was a stockbroker on Black Monday during the stock market crash of 1987. I sought a new line of work after that.

2) I attended 5 colleges (with at least 4 different majors) before I graduated on the 7 year Bachelor's degree plan.

3) I had to go to court for "drunk walking" in college.

4) I suffer from coulrophobia and it's caused some issues for me over the years.

5) I was once detained by the FBI and Coast Guard off the coast of San Fransisco near Fisherman' Wharf.

6) I am "directionly impaired" which has also caused some issues.

7) I've never been in rehab or therapy. (I know - that is a shocker, isn't it)

Paying it forward is a bit more difficult as there are too many of you that I love to read, so I will put everyone's name in a hat and the winners are:

the tired one

growth spurt

Happy Hour...Somewhere

Diamond Pewpin' Carnivore

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous.

I don't care for your tone

The Vegetable Assassin

Monday, August 31, 2009

Fire and Ice

Well, I made it back from my little "mini" college reunion this weekend. We laughed so hard that it feels like I have TMJ now. Here is a recap of one of the many bizarre conversations that took place (some of the details are a bit hazy...damn you Grey Goose):

Roomie: Hey Buzzy (my nickname from college for reasons will become readily apparent) - what ever happened to Greg W.?

Me: who the hell is Greg W.?

Roomie: the guy you dated that summer we worked at the bar

TD (to Roomie): you probably need to be more specific

Me: who the hell is Greg W.?

TD: remember - we all went to a party near the quarry and Berman passed out too close to the fire and his sleeping bag was smoking and instead of rolling him around to put the fire out we stacked small sticks on him.

Me: I don't think that I was there

Roomie: Buzzy, what the drove!

Me: What does that have to do with Greg W?

TD: You got pissed at him for something, and we left him out there. He had to walk back to town.

Me: Why did we stack sticks on Berman?

Roomie: You were cold

Me: Was he okay?

TD: which one - Berman or Greg W.?

Me: Who is Berman?

There is also a possibility that I drunk dialed some folks from my contact list. Um...sorry, and if you could give me a call back to let me know what I said that would be awesome.

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I haven't been able to post for awhile as my boss has kept me much too busy at the Lunatic Asylum. Numerous things to mention.....some good, some not:

Good: Meeting up with 2 of my best friends (roomie & TD) from college (ahh - the eighties)
Bad: Old college roommate is already irritated with TD because he keeps calling her to suggest that she clean her house before we get there.
Ugly: I lived with her and am pretty sure that TD is justified in his suggestions. It's likely to be a hell hole.

Good: We held a radio auction yesterday and sold enough to meet budget/revenue goals.
Bad: I have to get all of these people to come in and pay for their items before I leave today at 1:.30 pm.
Ugly: It's 1:00 pm.

Good: The kennel finally called me back and agreed to keep Bridie the wonder dog.
Bad: Bridie hates to be kenneled and will completely freak out until I pick her up on Sunday.
Ugly: My front room looks like it has a carpet of fur because of her incessant shedding. I don't see that problem improving any time soon.

Good: The young one got through the second week of school without any problems.
Bad: He came home yesterday and asked to borrow a lighter.
Ugly: I will be searching his room for illegal fireworks, pipe bombs and crack pipes when I get home today.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Ashes and Asses

I'd forgotten what a pain in the ass picking up a child from elementary school can be. There is a process to be followed. A one-way street with two lanes runs directly in front of the school's entrance. Cars wait in line in the lane closest to the school. When the child is picked up, you may veer left into the other lane in order to get around the line of cars still waiting for children. It sounds pretty simple, but apparently not.
*To the blue intrepid that insists on getting in line with the waiting cars only to put your car in park and exit the vehicle to enter the building to find your child: Consider this a warning.....there are people that want to put a hit out on you. Stop it.
*To the white escalade behind above mentioned vehicle: Why the fuck do you keep honking? There is no one in the vehicle.
*To the black Dodge Ram that uses the left lane to wait for your their child thereby cutting off any means of escape for those of us who have our children loaded and ready to are a "jackhole"...'nuff said.

On a less homicidal note: The ash spreading went well. Mom's golf buddies were there with us and no police were involved. You will notice that my youngest is wearing two different shirts in the pictures below. He donned an Iowa hawkeye jersey for the actual ash spreading as my Mom was a huge hawkeye fan. He got a little carried away running and spreading at the same time. Not a good idea. And no, that is not beer in those cans, so no need to call DHS.