Monday, June 29, 2009

Baseball is not for wimps

We spent all day Saturday at the ballpark for my son Ryan's baseball minor league tournament. It was cloudy, windy and rainy, and I still managed to get fried (skin - not brain). Playing out a scene that happens everytime Ryan meets up with friends, he ran over to me between games asking if his friend CJ could spend the night. Before I could answer, he also informs me that CJ's 4 year old little brother would need to come with him. Say what???

ME: Are you referring to BJ (beelzebub junior), the little maniac that spilled blue rasberry snowcone all over my white shorts; the little angel that deliberately threw his baseball into the field during play causing much confusion and stoppage of the game; the sweet boy that was using the water fountain to fill up the front of his pants and then sat so close to me that I am now blue and wet; the child that walked up to a stroller of a sleeping baby and started shaking it violently so the baby would wake up and play with him; the same boy who was in very close proximity to a dog that was whimpering and yelping whereupon boy claims to not know why dog is acting so wierd; the little monster who has both parents here somewhere that have neither scolded him or kept track of him - are you referring to that little brother?

RYAN: I can they stay?

ME: ARE YOU COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND?......curious, why does CJ have to bring his little brother?

RYAN: 'cause his parents want to go out and they can't find a babysitter for BJ

ME: shocking

RYAN: Mom, so why can't they (in whiny,pathetic tone)

ME: ...................................................(incredulous silence)

Friday, June 26, 2009

I better get my own "Death Day" because I never got my own "birthday"

Okay, so yesterday was a big news day with regard to celebrity death. First, we hear about Farah Fawcett, which did sadden me because I watched her documentary a few weeks ago and thought it sad that someone so beautiful was dying like that. Not that ugly people dying isn't sad, but you get my drift here. Then I'm at my youngest son's baseball game in frigging 100+ degrees and I overheard a woman say that Michael Jackson died and at that point I thought that heat exhaustion was kicking in, but noooooo.....the King of Pop....gone.....for good. I was sad about that too. When I say sad, I mean that there was a moment of reflection and remebrance for these folks. There was not tears, hysterics, statements like: "it feels like I lost a member of my family (sob)", or "I can't believe it, I keep hoping it's not true" (in sobby, hysterical voice). What the fuck is wrong with these people? How do they react if an actual member of their family dies or someone they know - or are acquainted with - or even met? I'm actually a little scared of these folks and their over-the-top emotional state.

Speaking of Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett dying on the same day: isn't it just like Michael Jackson to fuck up Farah's death day? All of the sudden, Farah dying is on the back burner, and it's all about Michael. She should have at least had her own day for everyone to be sad just about her. If when I die, some really famous icon has the audacity to die on the same day thereby fucking up my "day" for everyone to be sad about "me", I am going to be really pissed.

During Highschool, my goal was to have hair like Farah Fawcett. The fact that I was a brunette with naturally curly hair did not deter you could tell from my senoir picture if I was stupid enough to include...which I'm not.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Bad Twin is now Good Twin but only for a day

My sister rocks! She prepared 4 pages of notes for the "meeting" with the nursing home staff and not only managed to discuss all issues in a professional and non-bossy/caring manner, but actually ended up looking like she was running the joint. I keep telling her that she missed her calling and truly needs to become a nurse. Presently, she is a Speech Pathologist and has been for many years. She has helped countless children and families strugglling with issues like hearing impairments, autism, and Down's, but to see her with the sick and elderly leaves me awestruck. That is why, for the next 24 hours, she will be known as Good Twin. It's the least I can do. I am fashioning a crown out of scrap paper and out dated birthday cake certificates from the radio station for the occasion. Your welcome Kim!

Sisters annoy, interfere, criticize. Indulge in monumental sulks, in huffs, in snide remarks. Borrow. Break. Monopolize the bathroom. Are always underfoot. But if catastrophe should strike, sisters are there. Defending you against all comers. ~Pam Brown

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Don't make me go all Jack Nicholson on your ass

Sinister goings on at the nursing home, people. They contacted me yesterday to inform me that they are changing my mother's status from "skilled care" to "custodial care", which results in us paying the full costs of nursing home care, as insurance would no longer pay any $$$. I met with the director of nursing to discuss the issue. They feel that she is not improving and at times, refusing to get out of bed. I went down to scold my mother for not cooperating and, thusly, putting our financial future in jeopardy when she says "hard to refuse to get out of bed when no one tries to get me out of bed!!!!". I go back to head nurse to report conversation with Mom, and suggest that she look over documentation regarding the incidents in question, and she replies that they need to do a better job of documenting those issues. WTF!!! Your plan is to wipe us out financially and you have no documentation....that sounds like a horrible plan to me. I sweetly suggest that they may be a bit premature in their decision and nicely urge them to work harder at helping my mother improve her condition. Shortly after that discussion, I see head nurse at the nursing station discussing the situation with nursing staff which is accompanied by rollling of eyes, sighs and guilty looking silence when I approach the station. Bad idea on their part....bad, bad idea. Now I'm pissed, my mother is pissed and my sister(Bad Twin) is pissed. It isn't often that the Twins "K" are on the same page, or agree on how to handle a situation, but when we are, we are a force to be reckoned with. Nobody fucks with our mother, or our money....NOBODY! We have a slight reprieve in the time frame in order to work these "issues" out, and have a Care Plan meeting scheduled for tomorrow. There will be blood....or at least harsh words and veiled verbal assaults. Prepare for battle Nurse Ratcheds- you have been warned!!

I am fairly certain that my sister, after reading this post, will suggest that she do the talking in the Care Plan meeting. Fine Kim - but I get to be in charge of sound effects.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Staring Death in the Face

Years ago, some people began to have dreams about me. Bad Dreams. Dreams that led them to believe that my life was in eminent danger and I would probably die in a car accident. In a RED car. My mother was the first to have this dream, and upon waking, began calling me and everyone I know. Unfortunately for her, I was in college at the time and drunk - and unavailable to take a phone call....cause I was drunk. Over the next few years, I would learn that others had the same dream or variations of that dream, with the one constant being the RED car. At that point, I took it as a serious sign from God (?) not to own a red car, which morphed into my refusal to even ride in a red car which really pissed my husband (RIP) off when he brought cute little Mazda Miata covertible home and I made him take it back. That fear has stayed with me for years, and recently I have found myself driving my son's reddish Intrepid and my mother's reddish Lincoln because my stupid little silver car BLEW UP!! I have been telling myself that these vehicles are not really RED, but a variation of red, and therefore, somewhat safe..ish. Today, I am officially trading reddish Intrepid, reddish Lincoln and red golf cart in for my new vehicle - a Dodge Caliber.
And it's red. And I am a fucking moron (or brave warrior princess who laughs at death).

Monday, June 15, 2009

I bet God is Hilarious

Last week, my co-worker/arch nemesis Tanya suggests that I join a writing group in the area that she heard about through a friend of a friend. She told me to submit a sample (which I did), so the leader of this group could get a feel for my writing style and content. Turns out, Tanya (our on-air "personality") doesn't have friends under the age of 70, and wasn't aware that this was a "Christian" based writing forum, and now I'm going to have to kick her ass, and by kick her ass I mean verbally assault her 'cause she is way bigger than me and it would probably be a blood bath. So, at this point, it is clear to me that the "prose" that I submitted for this writing group's perusal will not be well all. At this point in the story, anyone reading this should be able to ascertain, with a large degree of accuracy, how this is going to turn out..........and the telephone rings:

ME: KHBT Radio - this is KC, how may I help you?
CALLER: May I speak with Kathleen Courtney please
ME: Oh, this is Kathleen Courtney
CALLER: Oh, I thought you said your name was KC
ME: I did - that is my radio persona
CALLER: Oh.......(pause)....OK(?)...., well I am calling to discuss your submission to our Christian Writing Forum
ME: I see - and with whom am I speaking?
CALLER: This is Pastor Mike and I lead the Forum
ME: fuck.....(thought it - didn't say it).
CALLER: Kathleen, after reading your submission and looking at your blog on line, we have decided that our little group may not be the ideal venue for you
ME: So, you're kicking me out?!
CALLER: Well no, you aren't actually a member - I am just suggesting that your "style of writing" may be more appropriate for a different group.
ME: Could you be more specific Pastor - what part of my submission do you have issues with?
CALLER: Well, for one, your tendency to use the "F bomb"
ME: I could probably clean that up a bit and use the Christian version of the "F bomb"
CALLER: There is no Christian version of the "F bomb"
ME: Oh.......wait, what about "frig"?
CALLER: Um......Our group is really for creative writing about Our Lord Jesus Christ and how his presence in our lives affects us. I didn't really see any reference to God or church in your writings.
ME: Well, that is because God isn't really funny. I might be able to throw a couple of Jesus Christ's in there to replace my "F bombs". Oh, and I could probably put some funny stuff together about parochial school and mean nuns; or wait, maybe something like the Church Lady from SNL - I could totally do something like that..

CALLER: Uh, no, that won't be necessary - but thank you for your submission. We will pray for you Kathleen. Click........


Friday, June 12, 2009

My ears are bleeding

Why is it that people that are the hardest to understand go into broadcasting? Why, why, why, why? Why? People with speech impediments, enunciation issues, inability to pronounce even the simplest word - flock to broadcasting. Case in point, our new intern Natan. That is not his real name. I am trying to illustrate my point by mispronouncing his name in writing. We are all praying that he plans to work more "behind the scenes" upon graduation, as he is entering his senior year in college and it seems a bit late to switch majors. I cannot BEGIN to describe to you how incredibly painful this morning's broadcast was, not to mention the numerous phone calls to our station immediately following that consisted of the overall "are you recruiting your new broadcasters from the local group home? What in hell is going on with that station of yours?" Blah, blah, blah - you get the picture.....painful. I want Paul Harvey and I want him now! Wait - is Paul Harvey still alive? Either way, it would be totally awesome to have Paul Harvey do our news.
So much for my great idea - Paul Harvey did indeed pass away this year, so I guess that is "the rest of the story". I wonder what Dan Rather is doing these days?

Good Day!

A Gnaw at the Door

So, we are at the radio station the other day talking about important stuff, when Lisa (my co-worker) asks what that gnawing noise is. The boss (Kathi) goes down to the front door to listen more closely, and announces that whatever it is, it's BIG. We are listening very intently trying to ascertain this beasts whereabouts, when Kathi gets the fabulous idea to open the front door to get a look at the animal that is eating our door - at which point, I climb up on a chair because I don't want my legs or feet dangling when this rabid monster (or bigfoot) comes charging through our foyer. Say hello to bigfoot:

I am not fooled by his sweet face and cute ears - you should see what this ferocious furball did to the door. Our new saying at the station is "it could have been a rat, but it was only a bunny" to be used in situations where you expect the worst and it doesn't happen. I like it!

On a completely different note, George called me last night and told me the greatest Amelia story, so I need to share:

Amelia got her doctor kit out and had the thingy (?) that you use to look into someone's ears, however she was using it to look at her teddybear's hind end. She then announced that the bear has "ants in his butt". After mulling this over for awhile, George and Nikki have come to the conlusion that someone must have used the term "ants in your pants" around Amelia and this is her version of that saying. Awesome!!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Things that go "bump" in the night

I have been struggling with what to write in this blog lately. Given the current circumstances with regard to my mother, it seems insensitive to poke fun at her and I haven't felt very "humorous" lately. My good friend from college called me the other day to check in and say hi. If I had to describe TD (aka - Tom Dayton), I would throw a bunch of descriptive words together like: hippy, artist, farmer, teacher, catholic, father and let you paint your own picture. Anyhoo....when told of my mothers recent ills, TD replies that it is like when a horse breaks it's leg - no good chances for recovery, but he will light a candle for her anyway. I asked him to tell me something good and happy. TD replies that he has clean sheets and is very happy about that, and suggests that I will be able to feel that kind of happiness if I place clean sheets on my bed, but not the cheap kind that gets little bumps in the wash, 'cause that would just be unpleasant. Thanks Tom - you always know how to put things into perspective.

Mary update: still in Iowa City, white count coming down, needs two consecutive clean cultures with regard to C diff infection before they can release her back to Humboldt to further "recover" at a nursing home (shudder-for her and the unsuspecting nursing staff)

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

PINK is the new black

Well, Mom is still in the hospital. She hasn't eaten in about 7 days, and they are still working on controlling her pain. The good news (???) is that she can still manage to "critique" my fashion sense. I went on a shopping spree this weekend, and wore one of the new skirt sets yesterday -pink and brown skirt with pink top. For those that don't know this, my mother's aversion to the color pink is comparable to a vampire's reaction to garlic. She never fails to point out that I would look much better in blue. She didn't love my new outfit, and went so far as to suggest that I wear a different color top so it wouldn't be so "PINK". Guess what color I am wearing today? I am ordering the lawn ornaments below for Mom's front lawn - kind of a WELCOME HOME gift when she is able to return to the house. Your welcome Mom - I hope you like them!

On a completely unrelated note, the following is an excerpt from a breaking news story out of Humboldt:

HUMBOLDT - Humboldt residents who blow grass into city streets may get by with a warning the first time under a resolution being considered by the City Council.
At Monday's council meeting, City Administrator Lorie Bennett said she and the city attorney have talked about the city ordinance against blowing grass into streets.
"Currently the first offense is up to $750, and the second offense is up to $1,000," Bennett said. In court the attorney may ask for a lesser fine.
"However, the Police Department doesn't have that discretion when they are writing a ticket," Bennett said. She asked the council if they wanted to schedule the fines.

You have got to be friggin kidding me Humboldt. This fine amount is about the same amount levied for OWI.......