Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I can afford to move after I sue the makers of Binaca

So, I go to register Ryan for 5th grade yesterday afternoon thinking that it will only take 15 minutes. When I arrive at the school there is a line (2:00 in the afternoon people - doesn't anyone work?), and about a gabillion kids. I ask Principle Booker what the hold up is and he points to a large group of folk and says "new family". "Are there like 17 kids?" "No, 8 or 9, but they are really loud." And, of course, I end up in line behind them. The woman is holding a toddler who appears to be covered in mud and another small child is hanging on to one of her legs, while yet another child of 5 or 6 sits on the floor next to where she is standing. This child is screaming. Loudly. The woman introduces herself as Cheyenne and tells me they just moved from southern Missouri. Really.

Me: What brings you to Humboldt?

Cheyenne: Bud has a cousin here, and we thought it would be a nice place for the kids. (She nods her head in the direction of the hairiest guy I have ever seen. He has tufts of hair on his shoulders and back and is wearing a muscle shirt that is way too small. About this time, I am almost knocked over by three boys running full on through the line intent upon killing each other.) "Boys, stop running....(turning again to me)...they are excited about going to a public school". It is at this point that I realize that these boys look very much alike.

Me: How far apart are your boys in age?

Cheyenne: Oh, they're triplets. they are going to be in the 5th grade.

Me: (gulp).....oh, so is my son. So, they have been in private school until now?

Cheyenne: No, we just homeschooled them at the compound.

Me: (mind racing....they don't act like "compound kids".....compound kids are usually well-behaved as evidenced from the David Koresh and Jim Jones documentaries I have seen)


Cheyenne: Yeah - more like a family ranch.

Me: Hmmm....(trying to buy time and work through information logically while trying to ignore the fact that the toddler has managed to unbutton his mother's blouse and appears to be trying to breast feed)

Right about then, I begin to notice a vile stench coming from the direction of the girl on the floor. The odor is horrendous and I want to retch. I begin to frantically look for something in my purse to distract me from the odor....anything. I find Binaca breath spray....hooray. I will just use it like an air freshener. Oh God....not working.....I'll just spray a small amount on my finger and place under my nose like Vicks VaporRub. Ah there, much bett....wait......what's that stinging my nose and lip. Holy Mother....it hurts.....fuck...........

Cheyenne: (to smelly girl on floor) Did you do what I think you did? You know they won't let you get away with that in 1st grade. (turning attention back to me) We should get our boys together sometime.

Me: (garbled words due to Binaca burning my skin off)

Mr. Booker approaches me at that point to let me know that I am in the wrong line, and that I should move over to the returning student's line.

It's going to be a great school year......I can feel it.


  1. I saw a woman in a restaurant breastfeeding a kid that was like 5. I'm all for giving your kid a healthy start, but I think at 5 it's time, literally, to pop the titty out of the kid's mouth.

  2. Oh Bless your little heart. Maybe the won't join the same activities or be in the same classes. Could just prove to be an interesting school year to blog about.
    I do however feel bad for mothers of loud obnoxious screaming kids, my five year old is such. So far he has gone to Kindergarten 4 days, each of which he has fallen on floor, kicked, screamed and so forth while I drag him by his apendages into class. Maybe she's a very patient woman.

  3. I hear the word "compound", I think "Big Love". Call it a family ranch all you want, but you're not fooling me! That whole experience sounds terrifying...promise that if the kids end up having a play date, you will blog about the trainwreck of a house and/or trailer that I'm sure they live in.

  4. If that calamity was just registration day imagine what the first day of school is giong to be like.

    Good Luck!!

  5. Oh, you lucky woman, you. I'm sure your new BFF from the compound will be over at your house all the time with her smelly kids and hairy husband. I once gave a school tour to a woman breast feeding a four 1/2 year old... the one she wanted to enroll in the school. I never thought we'd have to put the question: "Is your child weaned?" on the application.

  6. I am rolling over in hysterics reading today's post. You go girl!

  7. HAHAHAHA...oh, this is great. Sorry for the binaca burn but you made me laugh laugh laugh this am. Compound kids? WOW.